THE UGLY
Dudley Do-Right's Ripsaw Falls and (to a lesser extent) Popeye are in horrendous shape. Every time I ride either of these, I think it can't possibly get worse... and yet it does, every trip. Dudley now feels like a quarter of an attraction, with a litany of exposed infrastructure, blown speakers, rusted figures, and altogether missing scenes. The thing smells of mold and industrial rot and, outside the still impressive facade, looks no better once on-ride. Flanked by Spider-Man and Kong, two of the resort's most impressive attractions, Dudley feels more appropriate at a rundown Six Flags. Popeye used to function in better condition, but I counted at least three missing figures or vignettes and a greater number of inoperable ones... and didn't this thing just come out of refurbishment? Look, I get maintaining animation on water rides is a challenge, but it's been 20-something years. Have a reliable maintenance plan for your figures and effects.
Jurassic Park isn't looking too hot, either. It was nice to see the pre-Jurassic World theming in action, but despite the very recent refurbishment, most of the dinos still look crappy. The ultrasaur has never been staged well or convincing, so I have no idea why they don't just rework the scene. The two little fellas right after (whose names I can never remember how to spell) remained almost completely static on both my rides several days apart. Stegos fared better but had a couple tears in the skins. Amazingly, the hadrosaurs looked best of all. I don't know why they can't seem to pull off competent Raptors in Orlando, but the ones here have never looked good and they look even worse now, with perpendicular stiff necks and almost no motion. Rex looks good, but it hardly matters after seeing six or so failed attempts at other dinos.
Poseidon's Fury is long past its expiration date. I used to have a lot of cult affection for the attraction's unintentional kitsch, but it's past the point of any rational appeal. This feels like something of a forlorn Vegas attraction at this point, and most of the main interior theater effects appear to be literally tearing apart the aging infrastructure - I could see exposed piping poking through tears in black shrouding I'd never noticed before. Additionally, were the gaping exit passageways always left ajar on your right in both the skeleton room and the main theater? I seem to remember them being sealed, adding to the effect that we were "trapped" - leaving them wide open with loud exit signs robs the presentation of any real impact.
Someone, anyone, save E.T. I love this ride dearly, but if Universal has completely given up on it, I can't defend its seemingly inevitable extinction. Universal is clearly capable of building and maintaining competent (Imhotep 2) to excellent (Kong) animatronics, so I do not understand why they have completely failed to keep the E.T. figures at any acceptable condition. The cop mannequins were limited by the era of their creation, but they can't even pull off their basic head turns. The chasing jeeps that used to pull into view now sit in plain sight, audio still implying their rapid approach, before their lights turn on. I don't think I've ever seen the owl work. E.T.'s friends were always nightmare fuel, but now they're more of the Five Nights at Freddy's variety than anything produced by shrooms. The final E.T. straight up looks broken, managing a half head tilt and a wrist twitch and practically nothing else. His audio is also a mess - he makes a garbled warble before failing to spit out anyone's name from your car; there appears to have been a synchronization issue, as he ran through names, but never hit anyone in my bike set for any of my three rides. The awkward "keep your feet inside the car" is made worse if you know the context, and a more permanent solution is needed. In general, throughout the parks, there's a clear bolstering of burdensome lawyering leading to band-aid solutions that damage theme and show set. Here it takes the form of blunt theatrical spotlights attached to the platform with exposed cabling. I realize it was thrown together to get the ride back open, but we need long-term, thematically integrated solutions, not just rush jobs that stick around for decades.
The Cat in the Hat needs help. It's in better shape than the aforementioned attractions, but the severe reduction in vehicle movement has made the oft-arthritic animation only more apparent. Some figures were working great, but many others - especially those where mouths are supposed to be moving - don't past muster. This is more of a pipe dream, but something different ought to be done with the spin-centric scenes that now lack any clear purpose or point of interest.
If I Ran the Zoo feels forgotten. This used to be one of my favorite ideas, but I was saddened by its condition. Several of the creature effects were blocked off with generic Universal fences, while others were stained with mold and rust. Tic Tac Joe barely moved his mouth, while several others did not respond with the proper animation. It's a great walk-through area, but it needs some love and care. I'm also unclear why the rotating Green Eggs & Ham sign is missing nearby, especially with the restaurant reopening on a more regular basis.
First scene in Mummy is laughable at this point. It's funny to imagine there was a time where Universal boasted about the intricacy of the animatronics presented here and how they had to limit Imhotep I's movement so he didn't resemble a live actor; the lighting package, elsewhere appreciated, does what remains little favors, clearly exposing the robotic wands holding the stiff-as-a-board Imhotep upright. Reggie can't be bothered to move his mouth at all and sort of just drifts around. None of it is compelling or worthy of what was designed, and if Universal isn't interested in maintaining it (I'm aware they significantly downgraded the animatronic due to maintenance concerns over the years), they ought to swap it for the presumably more easily managed Singapore version. Similarly, the scarab and turntable scenes look messy due to incoherent lighting packages. (I have no idea why the corpses on either side of the scarabs flash red and green like Christmas lights, but here we are.)
Islands of Adventure needs shows again or it risks becoming a true half-day park. This reality hit me as I realized we'd conquered the park's attractions by 2:00PM, without express, and on a day with light crowds but not insignificant lines. We waited something like 20 minutes for Spider-Man, 30 for Hulk, 20-25 for Kong, 30-40 for Forbidden Journey. And I mean we did hit all of the attractions - we worked in Storm, Fearfall, the Seuss flats, Poseidon's Fury, and yes, Hagrid's, with a 30 minute wait. I guess if we're talking about tourists who show up at 11am, encounter 60 minute waits for everything, and the park closes at 7 or 8pm, yeah, there's enough to fill the air of the day... but with the way Universal (and theme parks in general) train you to take advantage of early entry, it's very easy to knock out top headliners early, work through the supporting attractions, and find yourself without much to do after lunch. Scheduled shows, which force you to deviate from your current course and by definition take up at least half an hour of your time (often more), help round out a park's experiences and contribute to the "full day." With the exception of Poseidon's Fury (which barely qualifies as a show) and the blink-and-you'll-miss-it Hogwarts Lights, Islands of Adventure has no organized live entertainment beyond character encounters. This is despite two vacant theaters. I know this isn't a priority for Universal, but it feels especially brazen when Universal will soon have three auditorium performances (even if one of them sucks), six-ish street shows, a parade, and (most of the time) a longer fountain show. Sinbad wasn't worth keeping around, but the park needs something.
Backside of the volcano and general exposed infrastructure at Volcano Bay. I know, most have accepted that the volcano is the way it is. My intel suggests the real plan was to finish the job and enclose the thing before they realized how logistically impossible that was going to leave the park ten or so years down the road. (Long-term maintenance is definitely going to be a problem regardless.) As much as I like the overall look of the park and many of its touches, there's still a lot of blind spots of ugly concrete, metal mesh, and straight-up exposed wiring and cabling, which is not really what you want to see when you're floating through recirculated water. (I'm not referring to the satellite slide towers, which are fine enough.) The park was rushed to completion to meet a locked open date, and it shows. I know it's had problems managing capacity (which I can't assess due to the lightness of crowds on my visit), but Universal really needs to take some steps to clean some of these presentational problems up and make sure everything meets a slightly higher visual standard. It's 75% or so of the way there, but that last 25% really sticks out.