Okay yeah I have a minute, so let's dig into it. I'm referencing both my memory and experience with the maze (I did at least twelve runs of it over five days) as well as Inside Universal's POV video.
Going to break this down scene by scene, because each one presents new, baffling questions.
- Scene one. The graveyard and snow are nice, but the decision to make Saskia a static figure turned away from us is confusing. The lighting does not emphasize the figure, and many failed to notice her despite her relative prominence. It's also hard to tell that the voiceover, which is well performed and written, is meant to be coming from the figure. Already not off to a great start, since you've got a vague premise but don't know what Saskia looks like if you aren't already familiar with her.
- Van Helsing crypt. I don't understand this scene. There's an unconvincing silhouette projection on stained glass that forces the Saskia actor to be on a timer - she doesn't appear to have complete freedom on when she jumps out. Terrible from a performer perspective, by the way. More importantly, though, why is she charging out at us? Is she afraid of us? Trying to intimidate us? Why not put the Saskia performer in the first scene and allow her to lip sync and engage with the audience directly, as she did in Hollywood? As it stands, this scene is both confusing and unscary.
- The transition vestibules between most scenes can work, but the rest of the house has to really deliver -- otherwise, they do serious damage to the pacing and signal to the guest that they have a moment to "breathe" and be safe. The transitions are especially bad here because, while they're well-decorated, they feature voice over and animation that conveys kind of crucial plot information, but it doesn't loop quickly enough for the pace guests are expected to advance through the house. The result is you get a third of what you were supposed to hear or the entire flow of the house slowing to a crawl as guests wait to see what they're clearly meant to see and hear.
- Mummy rooms. The first scare on your left was really good if the position was staffed, which it often wasn't. The long hallway where the mummy was meant to charge at you was too awkward to be intimidating or surprising -- it ended up just looking kind of silly, even if your timing was impeccable. These chambers reuse props from and invite direct comparisons to Legends Collide, one of the scariest houses the team has delivered in recent memory, and this pales in comparison. Naturally, I have no idea what's really meant to be happening as far as Saskia's story goes. Why does she need to go to Egypt to take revenge on Dracula's Daughter? Whatever.
- Also, the next vestibule is unintentionally hilarious in that Saskia is immediately like "so yeah, I failed at that first part. Nevetheless!..."
- Okay, forest scene. Whatever the design intention was for the Frankenstein Monster mauling, it did not pan out. The Monster looks laughably bad. No disrespect, but it just does. I can't believe they left it like that. It's completely indecipherable what is actually happening to the Monster - someone had to explain to me that the She-Wolf is meant to be goring him from inside the wagon. (This is before you get into the bizarre decision to kill the Monster in the first place -- it's the climax of Bride of Frankenstein Lives, and it clearly wasn't an enforced narrative requirement, as Hollywood features the Monster very much animated). The Bride appears from a position and angle that makes it very difficult to see her wig, which, let's face it, is the primary thing that identifies the character. "Let him live" is a ridiculous cue because 1) the Monster is clearly already dead and 2) why is the Bride trying to negotiate with a bestial monster? She isn't stupid. Who looked at this room and decided it all made sense? The Saskia scare in the wagon was solid when the position was staffed, which it often wasn't. The zipline scare is absurdly obvious and takes too long to activate and reset, meaning, again, even if triggered at just the right moment for you, it wasn't scary. Again, it invites comparisons to Dracula's launch in Legends Collide and doesn't even come close.
- Another vestibule where Saskia announces she's failed.
- Finally, we're at Dracula's castle. Probably should've started here, but whatever. Two empty rooms with confusing or unconvincing set decs, then a very basic scare with Dracula's Daughter. I saw this scare staffed exactly once throughout my five nights.
- The "battle" scene with Bride stabbing a (clearly already dead) vamp and Saskia dragging away a live one was cool when every spot was staffed, which it often wasn't. Completely unclear why Bride is helping Saskia in this version of the story, as the wolf killed her mate, not Dracula's daughter.
- Oh, and... Saskia's dead, suddenly? Off-screen? This moment is so poorly judged on so many levels. One, we haven't seen Dracula's Daughter transition, so other than the dress, there's nothing to tell us this is meant to be the same character. She's holding a head that has the same wig as Saskia, but again, that really isn't enough. Did you miss the scare due to timing? Too bad, you don't know Saskia's dead. The position isn't staffed? Uh... sorry! Saskia has no real confrontation with Dracula's Daughter at all? I mean, we've only seen Dracula's Daughter in the flesh once before this if we're lucky, so sure, why not. Hollywood executed this plot point much better, even if it's a terrible direction to go in.
- Weird barn rooms with all the Monsters coming out, in theory. The Bride's yelling at us and calling us a foul beast for some reason, fine. The rest of the scares for some reason take a long time to reset, or maybe the performers know they're in a bad maze and aren't trying very hard. Who can say.
- Repeat of the Van Helsing graveyard and crypt for some reason. Yes, I get the idea is that the Bride has brought Saskia's hilariously decapitated body back to be with her family, but no, none of that is apparent from inside the maze, especially if you missed that Saskia's got beheaded in the first place.
- I think I saw the scares that are supposed to happen inside the second crypt once.
- And then it's over, with the Bride doning Saskia's gear (...kay) and wailing at us in grief, even though she's already traveled all the way to this place and has had plenty of time to process it, so I'm not sure why she's moaning.
I'd say they bit off more they could chew narratively, but the basic story doesn't even make a lick of sense. "Bride of Frankenstein and Van Helsing's daughter team up to fight female monsters" is a good log line, but they overcomplicate it at every turn. Saskia and the Bride never even appear next to each other or acknowledge one another in the flesh. Dracula's Daughter, the chief antagonist, is basically a non-entity. It's never clear why the other female monsters are involved in the first place.
The team seemed to forget that haunted houses, like rides, are great for conveying moods and settings and
moments, but not
stories. Loose, episodic premises that allow for episodic vignettes or can reliably convey a simple narrative thrust (something is trying to kill you) work best. Think Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Caribbean versus, uh, Tiana's Bayou Adventure.
Beyond that, though, I don't understand how this got built in the same structure as the neighboring Goblin Feast, which made way better use of its real estate and delivered some impressive sets. In Eternal Bloodlines, I always felt like I was in a long hallway.
Maybe more thoughts will come to mind, but there's something to start on.