I did not come up with the following, but it's quite amusing:
"Hurricane update from Florida; We are now certain that there is a hurricane, it is somewhere between cat. 1 and cat. 5. We are sure it may or may not bring rain to all or some areas totaling .01 inches to 10 feet. We also know it will be impacting none or all of Florida, coming ashore on the east, northeast, center, west, northwest or Alabama side of the state sometime on Saturday, Sunday or Monday but still not ruling out Tuesday. We have also downloaded an app to our phones allowing us to use them as walkie-talkies that may or may not work. In short, we are prepared for all of the above and we will be just fine."